Mother’s Day

mother's heartMother’s Day is celebrated on different date, depending on what country you live in.
Mother’s are celebrated if they have children. What if you can’t SEE those children?

Given the sad statistics that 1 in 4 pregnancy ends in no pregnancy, what is the chance that there are MOTHERS out there who never had the chance to give birth? Mothers in their heart and soul, but no child to show for.

I was touched by my friend, CarlyMarie’s project 

The Mother Hearts Project

and her card series. Actually, I love everything she does. Unbiased. Her heart is in it.

I am even more unbiased now that I had the chance to speak to her for two hours last weekend, as part of the interview series for the forthcoming book Grieving Parents – Surviving Loss As A Couple”.

Another interview I had reminded me of the children I didn’t carry to term, those that are truly invisible. Miscarriages. As part of the research for my book I read again that 30-50% of pregnancy are miscarried in the first 12 weeks and that number only applies to those who KNEW they were pregnant. Imagine how many more unrecognized mothers this leaves.

Let’s remember all Mothers. Join Bereaved Mother’s Day.


The Sunshine Award



Thank you A Mourning Mum – with an ‘oh’ of surprise I found Living Without My Twin Sister nominated on her blog for the Sunshine Award. I have seen these kinds of awards in a few places but never really understood how they work and didn’t bother finding out. But today, I will 🙂

I found many images but not really a page explaining it so I’m going on what A Mourning Mum has said: “After looking into more information about the award it is a virtual way to connect bloggers who are talking about the same things and want to acknowledge each other.”

Given you are reading my blog posts, you might have found that even though there is the sadness of having lost my daughter, the purpose behind my blogging is to bring more LIGHT into the matter of parental bereavement and other grief. So – a bit of ‘sunshine after the storm’, as the title of the recent book of grieving mothers says, is a welcome change and a continuous endeavour with the changing November weather in Switzerland (and I can tell you WE can ALWAYS use some MORE sunshine here).

I am honoured and pleased that you (or anyone) have found my blogs helpful, supportive and inspiring.

Rules of the Sunshine Award:

  • Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
  • Link the blogger who nominated you.
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself.
  • Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award.
  • Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them.

10 Questions about Me:

  • Why do you blog?   It is my desire to bring light to other grieving people. I want people to know they can and should mention Amya and my mother. Not because or how they died should hinder anyone to speak about them, they exist, not physically in this world but nevertheless they exist. 
  • What is your favorite movie? Avatar
  • What is your favorite food? Zwetschgenwähe (a kind of prune cake), swiss chocolate, raclette (Swiss melted cheese dish) 
  • What is one of your favorite quotes? -:: “Every being you meet is an angel in disguise.” ::-
  • What do you do to relieve stress? write and sleep, would love to do more exercise (yoga and pilates) but a toddler keeps me ‘running’ 
  • Who or what inspires you? Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and my friends and musicians Deva Premal and Miten
  • What is your biggest fear? My daughter Ananda Mae dying 
  • What is your biggest dream? Having my book ‘GRIEVING PARENTS – Surviving Loss As A Couple’ published and being read by people who are then helped through their process of grief
  • What is your best piece of advice? Listen to your heart, follow your heart
  • What are you most proud of? My daughters Ananda Mae and Amya Mirica and those souls that I had with me/inside of me who I was not able to carry through the whole pregnancy

My 10 Nominees

I did chose some blogs of other grieving mums but also other blogs, which have inspired me lately.

  1. A Mourning Mum – a mum growing up with 2 children here and 2 children in heaven
  2. Carly Marie Project Heal – Carly is such a beautiful humble person who is an amazing artist with a huge heart
  3. Return to Zero – The blog with stories of people’s loss
  4. Lori Does Maryland – Lori is a really grateful and inspiring mother
  5. Chasing Rainbows – a touching story of Kate’s family
  6. No Holding Back – Katie’s blog about her journey through motherhood & loss of a twin due to Twin-to-Twin Transfusion (TTTS)
  7. The Matt Walsh Blog – especially the blog post “You’re a stay at home mom? What do you DO all day?”
  8. Adam Cahill’s post on Still Standing Magazine – a father’s perspective and beautifully touching words on child loss
  9. The Conscious Heart – Janet is an amazingly insightful women, here is her blog on femininity, sexuality, relationship etc.
  10. From Passion with Love – my daughter’s blog, she was PERSISTENT begging me on her knees to be in! 😉

My 10 Questions

  • Why do you blog?
  • Who is your role model?
  • What is your favorite holiday place?
  • What is one of your favorite quotes?
  • What or who inspires you?
  • What is your biggest fear?
  • What is your biggest dream?
  • What is your best piece of advice?
  • What are you most proud of?
  • If there was one thing I could give to the world it would be…?

Thank you A Mourning Mum – you have made my day with your raw of SUNSHINE!

Celebrating My Daughters’ Birthday

This year I wanted to remember and honour the birth of my ‘remembered child’, Amya Mirica Hope.

Ananda Mae gets all the attention, eats her birthday cake (or mostly the smarties), receives beautiful cards and presents. Amya is a memory… So here is a tribute to her…

Tomorrow Is the 3rd


22 months ago I had identical twin girls.

22 months ago I was a proud and fearful mother.

22 months ago I didn’t know that tomorrow I would hold my younger daughter in my arms as she passed away.

Tomorrow is the 3rd.

When I was taking a shower this morning I was thinking about the 3rd again. Every months on the 1st I celebrate my older daughter’s age, 22 months yesterday. Then I have a day’s break and then it’s the 3rd, where I honour my younger’s daughter’s passing. (more…)

Today 15 Months Ago

I held you in my arms

~ Close to my heart ~

~ Close to my heart ~

The one and only time

I held you close to my heart

For you to hear your mother’s heartbeat one more time

Knowing that it was our time to say good-bye

I carried you back to heaven’s door

For you to become what you were destined to always be

Our Angel, our Miracle

The shepherd that accompanied her twin sister to her destiny

to live a life here on earth

Always in communication with you

Yet not for us to see

And still…

I hold you close to my heart

Whenever I hold you sister

I hold you close to my heart too

As from one became two

And from two became one again

So I hold you close to my heart


That Question

~ xxx ~

‘How many children do you have?’

When is what the right answer?

I’ve been asked again today by a woman I just met. I said ‘one’ which is not the full truth. Sometimes the full truth requires to much of the story, which I might not be willing to share at this  moment and this was one of the moments.

It is however that I get myself into knots. Today, as I said ‘one’, her daughter-in-law was standing next to her who knew that I had twins and one died. This in itself wasn’t the knot, I was fine to have told one but not the other until the conversation went further. One question lead to another and suddenly again I was confronted with a question that would have led to digging my hole even deeper. So then I had to retrace my steps: ‘Actually I had twins and one died…’ Not always a great way to start a new acquaintance. (more…)

The Meaning of the Names – Bedeutung der Namen

I felt an immense honor to name my children and we spent a lot of time finding the right names.
I wanted the twins to have the same initials, not that is necessarily practical but I just felt it would be nice.

Here is what they mean:

  • Ananda = bliss in sanskrit
  • Mae = mine and also a form of Mary
  • Passion = her name in utero, picked from a deck of Angel cards by Toni Carmine Salerno
  • Amya = people of god / night rain in japanese
  • Mirica = miracle in latin
  • Hope = her name in utero, picked from a deck of Angel cards by Toni Carmine Salerno as she was fed up being called ‘Twin 2’ all the time

Their first names are Ananda Mae and Amya Mirica and their middle names Passion & Hope in rememberence of their time inside of me.

What I didn’t know when choosing the names:

The Anandamaya kosha or “sheath made of bliss” (ananda) is in Vedantic philosophy the most subtle or spiritual of the five levels of embodied self. It has been interpreted differently according to specific schools of Indian (and also Theosophical) thought. (From Wikipedia)


Ich empfand es eine ausserordentliche Ehre, einen Namen für meine Kinder zu wählen und wir haben einige Zeit damit verbracht, die für uns richtigen Namen zu finden.

Ich wollte das die Zwillinge die gleichen Initialen haben. Dies ist zwar nicht unbedingt praktisch, aber ich fand es schön.

Hier die Bedeutung ihrer Namen:

  • Ananda = Glückseeligkeit in Sanskrit
  • Mae = “mein” und auch eine Form von Mary
  • Passion = ihr Name während der Schwangerschaft, die wir aus einem Engelskartenset gezogen haben
  • Amya = Volk Gottes / Nachtregen in Japanisch
  • Mirica = Wunder in Lateinisch
  • Hope = ihr Name während der Schwangerschaft, die wir aus einem Engelskartenset gezogen haben. Sie hatte es satt, immer Zwilling 2 genannt zu werden

Ihre Namen sind Ananda Mae und Amya Mirica and ihre Zweitnamen sind Passion & Hope in Erinnerung an ihre Zeit in mir drin.

~ sisters in heaven and on earth ~