Month: April 2014

Amber of Resilience


Where is the light?

Last night I was interviewing another bereaved mother as part of my forthcoming book “Grieving Parents – Surviving Loss As A Couple”.

Cheryl Haggard, co-founder of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep shared with me how she started the charity which nowadays is represented in 40 countries world-wide and brings the gifts of photographic memory to bereaved parents.

I was amazed yet again how such a tragedy of loss can spark such an intense activity leading to so much good for others in the face of tragedy.

Looking back over my journey through the barren land of grief there were many times I was wondering whether I had any resilience at all.

Yet now, 2,5 years later I have finished the first draft of a book, which had been and still is an intense way of dealing with “everything grief”.

The amber of resilience is always there. The question is whether we give it air to breath. 

Does It Stay Present?

Our family of 4

Our family of 4

Just yesterday I was asked: “Does it stay present?” in response to me saying: “As you know, Ananda Mae’s twin sister passed away 3 days after birth.”

I admire this person, who I met briefly before but yesterday for the first time we sat down and had a longer chat. Congratulations for asking (the) question. I’m so glad some people dare to go to places where others stay away from.

It was interesting to ponder the answer, to think about how it is now, two and a half years later. My answer was: “It fades, the memory of her death fades.” Not the knowing of her as my daughter, as Ananda Mae’s twin sister but the painful memories fade.

I continued thinking about this long after he left. An interesting topic. “Time will heal all wounds” – a classic cliché often given to those who grieve, totally useless and stinging when said at the time of biggest pain.

And yet, time has its way.
With time we change the meaning we give things – if and when we are ready to change them.
Time changes memory, certain memory. Every time we look at them in the movie theatre of our mind they change a little bit.

So: Does it stay present? Yes and no. The fact of missing my daughter stays present, sometimes more, sometimes less. The fact of having two daughters stays present. The pain of grief fades.

Mother’s Day

mother's heartMother’s Day is celebrated on different date, depending on what country you live in.
Mother’s are celebrated if they have children. What if you can’t SEE those children?

Given the sad statistics that 1 in 4 pregnancy ends in no pregnancy, what is the chance that there are MOTHERS out there who never had the chance to give birth? Mothers in their heart and soul, but no child to show for.

I was touched by my friend, CarlyMarie’s project 

The Mother Hearts Project

and her card series. Actually, I love everything she does. Unbiased. Her heart is in it.

I am even more unbiased now that I had the chance to speak to her for two hours last weekend, as part of the interview series for the forthcoming book Grieving Parents – Surviving Loss As A Couple”.

Another interview I had reminded me of the children I didn’t carry to term, those that are truly invisible. Miscarriages. As part of the research for my book I read again that 30-50% of pregnancy are miscarried in the first 12 weeks and that number only applies to those who KNEW they were pregnant. Imagine how many more unrecognized mothers this leaves.

Let’s remember all Mothers. Join Bereaved Mother’s Day.