You will never be forgotten
Today is the second anniversary of my mother’s suicide. I spent the day very consciously aware of this day 2 years ago and what must have happened for my mother to take that step. We will never know the intrinsic details.
In the days leading up I had been asked multiple times, how I was feeling leading up to today. Checking in again and again I am “in a good place with my mother’s decision”. It also means I miss her presence and especially her presence in Ananda Mae’s life, which she would have loved to take as a proud grandmother.
I spoke to all of my closest family members and checked in on how they were going. Not surprisingly to me, I was the one asking… I had some interesting conversations and made some revelations, I had not known before.
This is what I call “Conscious Grieving” – being mindful and attentive to what would reveal itself. I find it interesting to see the development that has occurred within the last year. Looking back over posts written in 2013 one call tell… what sometimes goes unnoticed on the dark walk through grief land.
I wonder what this 19 January will look and feel like in years to come… one thing is sure: You will never be forgotten!
Another one of those feelings that I am familiar with… yet it is not often spoken about openly in the grieving community.
JEALOUSY or ENVY
It is not a nice word, whether I hear it, see it written, or think about the feeling it creates inside of me. It starts often by a trigger which brings up the memory of what I do not have:
- seeing my identical twin girls playing in the sand pit together
- having two daughters building lego houses side by side
- enjoying cuddles with two snuggly toddlers
- bringing my girls to my mother for some grandmotherly love and play time (more…)
… with or without you?
Not possible. Some say. Others experience it.
I had first hand experience of being happy AND grieving at the same time from day 1 of my grieving journey.
Ananda Mae, my older twin was with me and I was learning to be a new mum.
Amya Mirica, my younger twin had passed away in my arms and I was learning to a be a bereaved mum. The reality was that both experiences of joy and melancholy, laughter and tears, happiness and sadness lived side by side. Adoring a baby, feeling the immensity of love at the very same time at falling into the abyss of sadness over her identical twin sister never growing up together, holding hands and giggling together. If you cannot imagine this, here is what it looks like.
I do not believe that is BECAUSE I had twins. I believe this is because the apparently opposite emotional states live on different sides of the same coin => life.
Many grieving parents have written about ‘feeling guilty’ of their laughter or wondering “how I can I ever be happy knowing that my child has died?”
Can you? Should you? Must you? Do you WANT to? Would you child want you to be happy again?
The post of WordPress’ Daily Prompts has reminded me to write what I had in my mind for some time: What does happiness post loss look like to you?
This is why I’m writing. Not just this and other blogs, but also the book:
GRIEVING PARENTS – Surviving Loss As A Couple
This book is not a memoir about my loss. It is neither a book written from the perspective of a therapist having worked with countless clients experiencing loss. There are plenty of books out there, if you are looking for one of those.
This book is focusing on the effect parental bereavement has on the parents and their relationship. It is about surviving loss as a couple and the remerging of grief into a life of joy and melancholy, laughter and tears, happiness and sadness. Not either or but AND.
Great resources to find happiness again: