Today I’ve been reminded again that there are so many situations that GRIEVING PARENTS are dealing with, time and time again, weeks, months and years after the actual loss of their child. Even a picture of a place can carry so much memories…
I read Paul’s beautiful piece about Letting Go and Carly’s article Easing The Pain For Bereaved Loved Ones This Holiday Season on Still Standing Magazine.
Just the other day in my previous blog I posted about ‘The Things that Are Just Mine’ and there are so many challenges bereaved parents go through on a daily basis which mostly they don’t share. Articles like Paul’s, Carly’s and all the other authors on Still Standing Magazine AND all the authors of their personal blogs are helping those who might be lucky enough NOT to belong to this ‘club’ of GRIEVING PARENTS but touched enough because they know someone or support someone close to them.
Thinking about the book (GRIEVING PARENTS – Surviving Loss As A Couple) I’m reflecting on the challenges a couple is facing post loss. These are mostly challenges you (the public) won’t see. In the light of the last post of openness and allowing vulnerability by sharing, let me share some of the challenges I have experienced:
- different forms and time lines of grieving
- being emotional in all forms: sad, angry, moody… (you name it) and projecting it onto my partner
- impatience, with myself, with my partner, with our surviving child, with everything and every one – to the point of my partner not understanding why
- being unrecognizable to myself and finding nothing ‘normal’ in the ‘new normal’
- sadness over not having another child
- sudden outburst of _____ (you name it)
- not being able to multi-task (as I was before), like listening to my partner while feeding my child
- physical challenges like overbearing tiredness, inflammations, head aches.
What are the challenges you have experienced post loss that you are free enough to share?
Little bits of me…
Today, while folding laundry, I was thinking of the things I think and feel, that rarely get mentioned, even with those closest in my life. Some of those things are ‘just mine’ and I am ok with not sharing them with the world. Some of those ‘just mine’ things might be due to the pain they cause, others might be embarrassing and others are just my personal ‘whatever’.
I have however also been reminded that there are those ‘just mine’ things that any other person keeps to themselves. We really don’t even know our closest person ever that well to know it all.
It reminded me to be compassionate with the ‘oh-so-stressed’ people running through the streets of Zurich, I really don’t know the reason, they are or seemed stressed.
It reminded me to be forgiving with the people in our little village who do not say ‘Thank you’ when I let them pass in the narrow section between parked cars and the post office.
It reminded me to be accepting of not understanding people’s unusual reactions and words.
It ALSO reminded me to feel really glad when the workmen on the street in front of our house while making incredible noise since 2 months also move out of the way and smile at me when I pass by with Ananda Mae.
It ALSO reminded me to be happy that when walking with Ananda Mae people start to smile and talk, at least to her and sometimes to me.
It ALSO reminded me to feel grateful and appreciative for those day-to-day things like the warm autumn sunlight shining through the beautiful coloured autumn leaves.
So what is it, that you carry around that is just yours?
Here are some of mine:
- The subtle pain I feel when seeing identical twins running and playing with each other. (We seem to have a lot of these in our neighbourhood…)
- The sadness when hearing pregnant women say ‘oh I didn’t even want to get pregnant so fast after my first one’ remembering that, if not for this 2nd miscarriage, I would be delivering a baby soon
- The disappointment of not having Ananda Mae grow up with a sibling
Just 3 for today. Giving those 3 ‘just mine’ the freedom of disclosure. Feeling vulnerable. Being more real. Part of the ‘new normal’ me.
The SUNSHINE Award
Thank you A Mourning Mum – with an ‘oh’ of surprise I found Living Without My Twin Sister nominated on her blog for the Sunshine Award. I have seen these kinds of awards in a few places but never really understood how they work and didn’t bother finding out. But today, I will 🙂
I found many images but not really a page explaining it so I’m going on what A Mourning Mum has said: “After looking into more information about the award it is a virtual way to connect bloggers who are talking about the same things and want to acknowledge each other.”
Given you are reading my blog posts, you might have found that even though there is the sadness of having lost my daughter, the purpose behind my blogging is to bring more LIGHT into the matter of parental bereavement and other grief. So – a bit of ‘sunshine after the storm’, as the title of the recent book of grieving mothers says, is a welcome change and a continuous endeavour with the changing November weather in Switzerland (and I can tell you WE can ALWAYS use some MORE sunshine here).
I am honoured and pleased that you (or anyone) have found my blogs helpful, supportive and inspiring.
Rules of the Sunshine Award:
- Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
- Link the blogger who nominated you.
- Answer 10 questions about yourself.
- Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award.
- Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them.
10 Questions about Me:
- Why do you blog? It is my desire to bring light to other grieving people. I want people to know they can and should mention Amya and my mother. Not because or how they died should hinder anyone to speak about them, they exist, not physically in this world but nevertheless they exist.
- What is your favorite movie? Avatar
- What is your favorite food? Zwetschgenwähe (a kind of prune cake), swiss chocolate, raclette (Swiss melted cheese dish)
- What is one of your favorite quotes? -:: “Every being you meet is an angel in disguise.” ::-
- What do you do to relieve stress? write and sleep, would love to do more exercise (yoga and pilates) but a toddler keeps me ‘running’
- Who or what inspires you? Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and my friends and musicians Deva Premal and Miten
- What is your biggest fear? My daughter Ananda Mae dying
- What is your biggest dream? Having my book ‘GRIEVING PARENTS – Surviving Loss As A Couple’ published and being read by people who are then helped through their process of grief
- What is your best piece of advice? Listen to your heart, follow your heart
- What are you most proud of? My daughters Ananda Mae and Amya Mirica and those souls that I had with me/inside of me who I was not able to carry through the whole pregnancy
My 10 Nominees
I did chose some blogs of other grieving mums but also other blogs, which have inspired me lately.
- A Mourning Mum – a mum growing up with 2 children here and 2 children in heaven
- Carly Marie Project Heal – Carly is such a beautiful humble person who is an amazing artist with a huge heart
- Return to Zero – The blog with stories of people’s loss
- Lori Does Maryland – Lori is a really grateful and inspiring mother
- Chasing Rainbows – a touching story of Kate’s family
- No Holding Back – Katie’s blog about her journey through motherhood & loss of a twin due to Twin-to-Twin Transfusion (TTTS)
- The Matt Walsh Blog – especially the blog post “You’re a stay at home mom? What do you DO all day?”
- Adam Cahill’s post on Still Standing Magazine – a father’s perspective and beautifully touching words on child loss
- The Conscious Heart – Janet is an amazingly insightful women, here is her blog on femininity, sexuality, relationship etc.
- From Passion with Love – my daughter’s blog, she was PERSISTENT begging me on her knees to be in! 😉
My 10 Questions
- Why do you blog?
- Who is your role model?
- What is your favorite holiday place?
- What is one of your favorite quotes?
- What or who inspires you?
- What is your biggest fear?
- What is your biggest dream?
- What is your best piece of advice?
- What are you most proud of?
- If there was one thing I could give to the world it would be…?
Thank you A Mourning Mum – you have made my day with your raw of SUNSHINE!