Month: November 2012

Why Not Just Cry?

~ holding you ~

Yesterday I had one of those days. I just cried. Often. By myself. And in company with others. There is nothing wrong about it.

There is nothing wrong about it. I have to repeat it to myself as I notice the remnants of indoctrinated beliefs like ‘there is no need to cry’ which I repeatedly used to hear when growing up. Living within a society that terms showing vulnerability as a weakness I came a long way in growing my acceptance towards my own tender emotions and even more when they are showing in public. I’m also grateful to have become acquainted with the notion that ‘there is nothing to fix’ when someone is crying, not even myself. (more…)

Unasked Questions

So many chances of meetings are realized since I have stopped listening to thoughts like: ‘you can’t ask that!’ or ‘don’t be so nosy!’.

~ you will never be forgotten ~

Just yesterday I had a wonderful experience that only occurred because I followed my intuition to ask the ‘unasked questions’.

I have previously met this woman who has lost one of her twins 21 years ago. I would have to say that I don’t know her that well, at least in terms of ‘time spent together’, but we share a common experience. Yesterday, while spending time together, we were talking about ‘other things’ when, totally out of context of our conversation, I became aware of the absence of our common element and I ‘saw’ her daughter next to her. I can’t say I know her daughter, let alone have ever seen a picture so when I say ‘I saw her’ what I mean is that I suddenly had this sense that she’s there and I was led to ask: ‘So when were your twins born?’ and ‘When was it that your boy died?’ (more…)

Looking Good doesn’t have to mean Feeling Good

~ looking good doesn’t have to mean feeling good ~

“You look good!” 

I had a conversation with my dear friend who recently lost her son in an accident. Like myself, she’s been hearing people tell her that she looked good. I’m sure you have experienced times when people comment on your outside looks without having any clue of what’s really going on on the inside.

We were talking about the meaning of the phrase. I noted that she looked ‘a bit less heavy’, something that was showing on her face beyond make-up or hair (nothing to do with her physical weight as she is and always was slim). I was wondering how many people really comment on the changes that they see or the changes that they feel and how many are just hoping that we, grieving mothers, finally feel better. (more…)

The Lie of Strength

~ you’re my rock – I’m your rock ~

“We tell people they are “strong” when we are uncomfortable with their pain and would prefer that they shut up and not bother us with it. To say “but you are strong” is telling someone “I don’t think you should feel that way,” and it’s not a compliment. I don’t think that strength means being invulnerable, or pretending that you are. The belief that silence and stoicism are inherently good qualities is how you end up dressed up like a bat punching criminals in an alley – it’s not a good road to emotional health.
Be sad. Be angry. Let your heart break – in the diner, on someone’s futon, in the park, on the way to the zoo, at brunch, over drinks, in the therapist’s office, on the bus – Wherever it breaks, let it break all the way open, let it run out and down and spread out in a soggy puddle at your feet.

Say, “I’m sorry, I can’t listen to you today, my heart is broken. Will you sit with me a while and I’ll tell you about it?“ (more…)

Saying Good-Bye – Ananda Mae and Amya’s story

~ good-bye angel ~

Since 3 months we are now living in what was my parents’ place. Today, while clearing some stuff (we are still in the process of organizing my mother’s things as she passed away in January) I found a folder with emails and photos that my Mum must have collected of the time of the pregnancy and birth. As my parents are not Facebook or blog users, I had emailed them what I wrote just after Amya’s passing. This is what I found, written on 4 September 2011:

3 days ago I had the most amazing experience as I gave birth to my two beautiful angels Hope&Passion and they became my precious little daughters Amya Mirica Hope and Ananda Mae Passion. They were so small and needed to go on life support as soon as they came out of the womb to see the light. (more…)

That Question

~ xxx ~

‘How many children do you have?’

When is what the right answer?

I’ve been asked again today by a woman I just met. I said ‘one’ which is not the full truth. Sometimes the full truth requires to much of the story, which I might not be willing to share at this  moment and this was one of the moments.

It is however that I get myself into knots. Today, as I said ‘one’, her daughter-in-law was standing next to her who knew that I had twins and one died. This in itself wasn’t the knot, I was fine to have told one but not the other until the conversation went further. One question lead to another and suddenly again I was confronted with a question that would have led to digging my hole even deeper. So then I had to retrace my steps: ‘Actually I had twins and one died…’ Not always a great way to start a new acquaintance. (more…)

Twins Again…

No, not pregnant with twins…

Sisters growing up together for 35 weeks

Oh well, I saw what looked like identical twin boys today. I had a half smile on my face noticing the same twin pram we had with the two capsules facing each other. They must have been just about plus/minus 12 weeks old. Their father was getting something for himself to eat at the Ikea restaurant, while the mother probably did the shopping.

I smiled a half-smile. Half happy, half sad. I didn’t say anything but I thought: ‘I had twins myself!’

When we found that out that I was in fact not just pregnant but (more…)