Find more here: www.grievingparents.net

The ‘Right’ and the ‘Wrong’

Find more here: www.grievingparents.net

It just IS.

Over the past week I have taken a ‘sitting-at-my-desk’ break and focused on outdoor activities and enjoyed my creativity with photography. I have also had more time to ponder and let thoughts take me where ever they wanted, rather than where I wanted them.

I had a conversation with my husband about right and wrong and my thoughts wandered back to the time shortly after the birth of my girls and after Amya had passed away. I remember thinking: How can this happen to me? What does this mean? Why Amya?

I clearly remember this one point in time, where I said to my husband: “This sounds strange but suddenly all seems as it should be. Everything seems right.” I wouldn’t have said this to anyone else because seriously, a woman who just lost her daughter thinking ‘everything seems right’ must be crazy…

Now, 3 years later, I don’t think in terms of ‘right or wrong’ anymore in relation to the death of my daughter. I don’t believe ‘she should be here’ or ‘it’s not right for her sister to grow up alone’. What is, is.

‘Wrong’ and ‘right’ are judgments based on a measurement that we make up. It’s not real or based on any hard and fast rule. Who am I to know that the death of my child is right or wrong? It’s neither.

What I can say is that it has felt devastating, hard to believe, and immeasurably sad. And even that has changed. Now it has become part of our family’s history and reality. It’s no longer devastating. There are sad moments but mostly, my life is about wrestling with a 3 year-old headstrong toddler and enjoying her antics.

When Is It Time To Delete My Late Mother’s Address Details?

~ AMY & Mimi ~

~ AMY & Mimi ~

I’ve been wondering about this for a while.
My mother will be dead 3 years in January. When I came to live in Switzerland (2+ years ago) I took over my mum’s mobile phone number due to reasons that would not fit into this blog post.

I’ve caused a few shocks to people who had her saved in their phone, when I called and my Mum’s name appeared on the display.
One of my aunt even told me she didn’t want to call me because of the significance of my phone number.

Today, again, I received an SMS from my Mum’s. As I typed a message to my husband in the messenger App on the Mac, it appeared with my Mum’s name on the phone. This does not happen all the time so I’m curious to when it does (and when not).

Sometimes my Dad calls and my Mum’s name appears, as their home details where saved as one contact detail.

Like with Amya I don’t need to be reminded that my Mum and my daughter are dead. It’s not something I will ever forget.

So, when is it time to delete her contact details from my address book?

Post-Loss: How do you go through the day, month, year?

This question I ask myself again and again. With time, the question has become less frequent and also less intense. Still, like today, not much seems to make sense.

I sit at my desk, listen to “Don’t give up” by John Legend, Pink and Herbie Hancock and hope it somehow helps. Try it here below, while reading…

I stare holes into the air.

I think about eating something, probably chocolate.

I have negative thoughts piling up in my mind storage.

I get tired.

I feel down.

I don’t believe I have friends (as Pink tries to convince me in the background)

(You might not guess, but it’s really hard to even write this bloody post!)

I do nothing.

Until I move again.

~~~<>~~~

So later, when someone who won the book wrote an email asking the question in the title, I sat down and wrote an answer. It went something like this:

“This is when self-care is in need. It might be taking myself to bed, resting, crying… or having a cup of tea and staring outside the window. Or, very practically, I might do something productive (and necessary) like cleaning something up. It might sound trivial but there is always the question:

How do I need to be with this?

Possible answers might be:

– take time right now and BE in it (which might be emotionally very taxing and potentially drag you down even more or  –  healing!)

– avoid it for now

– park it for later and follow the promise to attend it then (make a promise to yourself)

– witness it’s unfolding in the moment with self awareness and mindfulness.

Does this help?

What do you do or not do?

Sleeping angel hugging Lucy

Finding the Gift after Loss

Sleeping angel hugging Lucy

Sleeping angel hugging Lucy

The epic journey of an emerging author:
Last week I wrote the afterword, this week I’m in tears writing the acknowledgment page. So many people believed in me more than I believed in myself.
The book is born. “Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple” is no longer just a document on my computer but a BOOK to be published within less than 2 weeks!

Without giving it all away, here is the last sentence of the Acknowledgment:
“Last, but not least, I want to acknowledge my inspiration for this book: my daughters Ananda Mae and Amya Mirica. This book would not exist without the experience you honoured me with.”

Photo: Nathalie Himmelrich

Everything will be ok in the end…

When is it the end?

When is it the end?

A friend of mine, dealing with the impending death of her mother, just wrote this quote by John Lennon on Facebook, which stirred some thinking in me…

I imagine many grieving people, depending on where they are in their journey, might not agree. You see, this is where semantic meaning creation starts.

  • What is the meaning of ‘end’?
  • Where does the ‘end’ start, where does it end?
  • What is ‘okay’ and what should/could/will it feel like?

Grief is a compound, intense, exhausting experience. It’s more than understandable that we want to avoid it, shortcut it, make it go away. Shock and numbness, in my view, are ways of the system to give you a little less than the full gamut to deal with. Avoiding might be the best way to deal with it in a given moment. 

3 years on from my daughters death I find myself more and more often in an ‘okay place’. I am no longer avoiding any emotions in relation to her death. Having said this, I’m totally aware that life is happening and life is this human experience that sometimes sucks and sometimes is beautiful beyond expression. I have also found my place in creating my meanings and I don’t have them to always be ‘happy ever after’. 

Resources for the Bereaved

Yesterday, Carly Marie from Project Heal and myself held another Grief Reflections Gathering on the topic of ‘The First Year of Grief’.
Here is the video:

We were asked for some resources on books and I’ve made a list, which you can find over here. I’ve also added a resource page on Grieving Parents Support Network, which will be updated regularly. If you’d like to add a resource, which you have found useful, please leave a comment there. Thank you. 

robinwilliams

Depression and Suicide

robinwilliamsToday we all heard the news of Robin Williams death through suicide. How sad.

I do not read the news but I start my day by browsing Facebook, especially now that I’m in the last stretch of publishing my forthcoming book “Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple”. The news feed today was full of Robin Williams pictures, quotes, movie references… a display of people’s love and admiration for his craft and talent of having impact on people’s lives.

Reading about his death I noticed that unbeknownst to me he had depression and committed suicide.

I had multiple conversations with people who said things like: “He was such an inspiring character, it’s unbelievable that he was depressed” or “He was so successful, I can’t believe he committed suicide.”

It’s the question of theodicy, a topic I cover in my book:

The question of theodicy

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” is the most common version of the theological question around why evil is possible in this world. Religious parents are faced with the question why a good God permits the manifestation of evil, like the death of their child.
Any variation of the post-loss “why” questions can become a way of amplifying loss. According to Dr. L. Michael Hall, by focusing on getting to acceptance as quickly as possible takes the semantic power out of the “why” question. If overused, the “why” question can become a way to amplify loss.

It is completely natural to want to make sense. Unfortunately, there is little to no chance of finding an answer that will quench the thirst for finding the answer that would explain the tragedy.

In regards to suicide from depression I have personal experience through my mother’s death which happened in the same way as Robin William’s death.

  • People suffer depression, no matter their IQ, EQ, the success or the amount of fame, friends, status, toys, things they possess.
  • People commit suicide no matter how much they are loved, cherished, admired, known, in the public eye (or not).
  • People, suffering from depression who commit suicide have people who love them and who have told them every day.
  • Depression is like a bottom-less cup where any love poured in evaporates, not through their ill-will but because of their depression.
  • In the moment of self-chosen death, many suicide victims have tunnel vision and do not think of the people they leave behind.

I had some in depth conversations with my mum following her first few suicide attempts. I was 19 weeks pregnant at the time and was furious that she would have me go through grief while being pregnant with the twin girls.

“I just wanted to end this pain, it had nothing to do with you or anyone else” – my mother’s words when we were talking about her previous attempts.

“I know grief would be hard at the beginning but it will get easier with time,” she added… I shook my head in disbelief. She must be out of her mind.

In retrospect she was ‘out-of-her-mind’ and she was able to see the bigger picture. She was right: It will get easier with time.