Month: October 2013

Remembering Womb Time With Her Twiny

Our family of 4

Our family of 4

Ok, so I have always been wondering whether and how much Ananda Mae would remember and realise of her time in the womb with her twin sister Amya Mirica. So far, I can only know for sure what it means to me, to remember them together in my belly and have her alive with us and Amya in memory.

Ananda Mae is starting to make references of her as a baby. She’s pointing to my belly and especially the scar from the c-section draws a lot of her attention. She says: ‘Baby usecho’ which means ‘Baby came out’ and it’s not yet clear with her pronunciation whether she says baby or babies. She also knows and refers to Amya on pictures and when she wants a balloon to rise to the sky, which traditionally we do on Amya’s remembrance day – which she has only really consciously been part of once.

Today I have been reading an amazing post on Babies remembering their birth story by Wendy Langshaw. She describes a conversation with her 3.5 year old daughter who remembers (parts of) her birth. 

It makes me wonder again, what it is like for Ananda Mae to be born and then continue living without her womb mate?! How might it feel for her to see her and Amya’s picture of two tiny babies on my chest? (more…)

Everyone Wants To Write a Book

Want to OR Write a Book?

Want to OR Write a Book?

According to a study, 80% of the people interviewed said that ‘they wanted to write a book’. Besides the question about who they were interviewing it seems something I have heard a lot lately from people I know.

So here I am too: I am writing a book! 

I first wanted to write a ‘book’ when I was 12 and started writing a story in a notebook. I didn’t get far. I knew how to write a story but had no clue ‘how’ to write a book and given that ‘a’ story does not make a book, I gave up.

After many assignments and essays during my studies I started writing articles and currently I have published an amazing number of 467 articles. I have to say I’m impressed at myself, given that English is my 4th language.

Again, writing article does not make a book but here I’m NOT giving up.

Why am I writing this book?

As many grieving people have experienced, we receive some tremendous support, sprinkled with some more and some less helpful tips and some tremendously inappropriate clichés.
In order to process all my tumultuous time following my daughter’s and my mother’s death, I personally was led to write many blog posts. While I shared the deepest and rawest of my emotional roller coaster I also shared practical suggestions on how I felt best supported. So in response to what was not helpful, I also wrote about what WAS helpful and what COULD be said instead of those clichés which in fact are often just well meant attempt to ‘say something’ at a time when no words do justice.

I also had people asking me for help in their process of grief, which came naturally for me given my profession but also my personal experience.

Through all of this I have been encouraged to write more and in specific a book.


First I didn’t know how or when or for whom really? Now I do: Grieving parents and the challenges they face as a couple in the aftermath of loss

Following weeks of research I found the perfect match between my professional experience working with clients, especially in the area of relationship challenges and grief, as well as my personal experience of the challenges in my relationships, especially the couple’s relationship following our grief. Given my research, there is plenty of material for grieving mothers, supporting children in their grief, dealing with grief in general etc. but so far I only found very few dealing with the couple’s relationship post grief, especially when losing a child as it affects both parents in some form or other. Given my personal experience I know how challenged I have and still am at times in my relationship with my husband.

What is the book about?

So here we are and this is where I need your help: If you are or know someone who is a ‘Grieving Parent’ I would LOVE you to answer my questionnaire in research for my book. A book is only as good as readers think who have READ the book. So you tell me what you want to have in the book! Here is the survey:

15 October – Part Two

Sugar (Cheryl Strayed)

Sugar (Cheryl Strayed)

When I lay awake last night and could not sleep this is what came up to write:

Remember: Parents who lost their baby or child do not need the remembrance day to remember. They remember their child every day. 

And again, this morning, I was reminded by my fellow blogger ‘A Mourning Mum’ about Dear Sugar’s advice column. She inspired me to read some of his column, where she’s responding to Living Dead Dad.
It beautifully shows dealing with the reality of life after a child’s death:

It is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.

Your boy is dead, but he will continue to live within you. Your love and grief will be unending, but it will also shift in shape. There are things about your son’s life and your own that you can’t understand now. There are things you will understand in one year, and in ten years, and twenty.

I might need to get this book then:

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

Related posts:

15 October – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Beautiful picture with curtesy of Carly Marie:

Beautiful picture with curtesy of Carly Marie:

Today is the 15 October and this means Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day‘. The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in the United States on October 25, 1988, when then-American President Ronald Reagan designated the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

It is also with great pleasure that I would like to announce that I have narrowed down the topic of my forthcoming GRIEF BOOK: Grieving Parents
Keep looking out for news on it’s publication date in 2014!

This is  a great day to remember all the parents who have lost their babies during pregnancy, neonatal death or during infancy. Remember that grieving a child is a life-long endeavour. Remember that parents will always remember their child in whatever way or form is right for them. Remember that they won’t ‘get over it’.

If you want to know how you can help a grieving parent or understand what they might be going through, here are some good articles to read:  Wishes of an Angel’s Mum and Dad (more…)

Not Dead But Still Grieving

Letting go

Letting go

In the past few weeks I had 3 conversations with close friends about the grieving for the ‘not dead‘. While attending Bill Coller’s workshop on ‘The grieving process‘, he also extensively spoke about this topic.

Most of you have experienced grief for a relationship that broke apart, which also means that the person hasn’t died. But this was more about people, specifically family members who my close friends hadn’t ‘broken up with’, they were still somehow present in their lives but there was also the experience of huge grief.

He no longer is what he was before

Bill Coller mentioned that the grief about the son ‘who no longer was the son’ the parents were used to as a challenging form of grief. He recalled an experience of a family whose son had an accident and was still alive but paralysed and unconscious right after the accident. The person he was before would never be coming back.

Given that we associate grieving with someone or something that ‘no longer exists’ it often feels strange (more…)