Stories of Loss

~ memories ~

As I’ve said before:

‘You don’t really know how to deal with something unless you experience it, and even then it’s only ever YOUR experience.’

This page is dedicated to you and your story, if you like to share.

My aim is to help and support others going through a similar situation (never assuming any situation is the same) and assist those supporting them. It would therefore be great, if you could also answer some of those questions, when you share your story:

  1. What is/was the most challenging for you?
  2. What would/ would have helped you?
  3. What does not/did not help at all?
  4. What support do/did you appreciate the most?
  5. What would you like others (those who experiencing loss or those who are supporting) to know, do, say?
  6. What do/did you learn through your experience of loss?

Thank you for your contribution.

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6 comments

  1. Hi, I’m so glad i found your site (through Heartfelt). I find reading through some of your articles that you’ve put to words a lot of what i feel and did feel after losing our 19 wk baby (died prior to being born). I’m not great at putting words to how i feel so it’s been great reading through your articles and finding a sense of comfort. I ‘miscarried’ at 19 weeks and although we knew our little Grace wasn’t going to survive, I’m so grateful i was able to give birth to her and hold her for a while.

    This happened 3 years ago now but the pain still feels strong and the memories are still so real. I know time heals but there are times that it hits me quite hard and other times that it’s not as painful. I don’t understand it but just go with it.

    The most challenging thing was knowing she wasn’t going to survive for quite a few weeks before she passed away… total agony not knowing if she was in pain and agony that i was never going to meet her ‘alive’ and she would never get to see me (although she felt me for 5 months).

    Not sure what would have helped… probably if the specialist doing the scan didn’t just point out that our baby was not going to survive long like she was telling me ‘your car won’t be fixed today’. Maybe an obstetrician that encouraged us to just let her live her life for as long as God intended and not keep pressuring for a termination, (as if a ‘normal’ healthy child is ONLY worthy of life). Beautifully taken photo’s would have been great, so that i can see her everyday next to my other children’s pictures and be part of our family picture wall, rather than just a memory.

    The support that helped was from friends who just hung out with me and didn’t give the politically correct answers or spoke like they knew what they would do and what i should do, despite not experiencing this. Friends that understood that no advice was needed.

    For those experiencing loss i would say that each person’s grief is so individual and that we each experience it differently and that is ok. it’s ok to grieve in your own way so let yourself feel it and be comfortable to just cry if you need to and not push it under the carpet. Its real, and its awful and its terrible and it just is.

    What i learnt personally was that God is a good, kind, compassionate and loving Father, who walked with me and my husband throughout this ordeal and didn’t dump us when we were angry with Him. He held our hands and gave us the strength and wisdom we needed. He loves Grace and didn’t turn his head when she was conceived and miss something, he didn’t make a mistake with her, he wasn’t tired and had a nap, he didn’t have an off day. She was perfect and beautiful and wanted and cherished. She just wasn’t to stay in this life for long. I’ve learnt that i will never forget her and still cry every week or so for her not because i feel depressed or angry, but because i just miss her. I’m happy that she’s not in pain and is in heaven but i just miss her and wish i got to spend more time with her. I don’t think i’ll every get over it and have just accepted that this is part of my life now. I don’t want to forget her or lose my memory and feelings for her. My grief still surprises me.!

    So that’s my story and i’m so glad to have found your site. Thanks for sharing such painful and personal memories. It’s helpful not just for those experiencing loss but also those who have friends who have lost loved ones.

    thanks again
    Christina

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Christina.
      I was touched and it’s good to hear the story of someone else and what happens over time.
      I especially liked your sentence: ‘My grief still surprises me!’ and I’d like to think more about allowing grief to surprise us, everyone as it means that we’re breaking up those beliefs that have been held in consciousness or by society for so long that are no longer valid. It’s time to rethink grief and allow whatever it is or shows up for anyone, any day.
      All Love, Nathalie

  2. Hi Christina, It is wonderful that you are writing and sharing as a means to also help others. I lost a child 20 years ago and began a blog 2 years ago. After so many years, I carried sadness but writing and sharing allowed me to heal. What really has helped me has been to play my guitar again after 30 years and write songs about loss and hope. Grace is beside you always and is a soul you’ve kissed. She will continue to bless your life. Grief is an aputation of the soul and is about adjustment and change. Keep writing.

  3. Nathalie, I wanted to thank you for your comment on the still standing article today. I know she is hurting but it really stung feeling again to others miscarriage doesn’t warrant a number in the count. I know values and belief feature heavily when people decide on this but I try to remember how thing were (and are) on a few short years ago for still birth mums ‘go home and pretend it never happened’. Anyway wanted to drop you a line here to say thanks. Liz x

    1. Thank you for your comment Liz.
      Given you’re commenting on my blog you will have found out that, in fact, ‘I have been there’ and think about how to answer the ‘big question’ every time, daily in fact, given I walk around with a beautiful little 2 year old…
      Very interesting profile picture!
      All the best, Nathalie

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