This Is Just Mine

Little bits of me...

Little bits of me…

Today, while folding laundry, I was thinking of the things I think and feel, that rarely get mentioned, even with those closest in my life. Some of those things are ‘just mine’ and I am ok with not sharing them with the world. Some of those ‘just mine’ things might be due to the pain they cause, others might be embarrassing and others are just my personal ‘whatever’.
I have however also been reminded that there are those ‘just mine’ things that any other person keeps to themselves. We really don’t even know our closest person ever that well to know it all.

It reminded me to be compassionate with the ‘oh-so-stressed’ people running through the streets of Zurich, I really don’t know the reason, they are or seemed stressed.
It reminded me to be forgiving with the people in our little village who do not say ‘Thank you’ when I let them pass in the narrow section between parked cars and the post office.
It reminded me to be accepting of not understanding people’s unusual reactions and words.

It ALSO reminded me to feel really glad when the workmen on the street in front of our house while making incredible noise since 2 months also move out of the way and smile at me when I pass by with Ananda Mae.
It ALSO reminded me to be happy that when walking with Ananda Mae people start to smile and talk, at least to her and sometimes to me.
It ALSO reminded me to feel grateful and appreciative for those day-to-day things like the warm autumn sunlight shining through the beautiful coloured autumn leaves.

So what is it, that you carry around that is just yours? 

Here are some of mine:

  • The subtle pain I feel when seeing identical twins running and playing with each other. (We seem to have a lot of these in our neighbourhood…)
  • The sadness when hearing pregnant women say ‘oh I didn’t even want to get pregnant so fast after my first one’ remembering that, if not for this 2nd miscarriage, I would be delivering a baby soon
  • The disappointment of not having Ananda Mae grow up with a sibling

Just 3 for today. Giving those 3 ‘just mine’ the freedom of disclosure. Feeling vulnerable. Being more real. Part of the ‘new normal’ me.

Remembering Womb Time With Her Twiny

Our family of 4

Our family of 4

Ok, so I have always been wondering whether and how much Ananda Mae would remember and realise of her time in the womb with her twin sister Amya Mirica. So far, I can only know for sure what it means to me, to remember them together in my belly and have her alive with us and Amya in memory.

Ananda Mae is starting to make references of her as a baby. She’s pointing to my belly and especially the scar from the c-section draws a lot of her attention. She says: ‘Baby usecho’ which means ‘Baby came out’ and it’s not yet clear with her pronunciation whether she says baby or babies. She also knows and refers to Amya on pictures and when she wants a balloon to rise to the sky, which traditionally we do on Amya’s remembrance day – which she has only really consciously been part of once.

Today I have been reading an amazing post on Babies remembering their birth story by Wendy Langshaw. She describes a conversation with her 3.5 year old daughter who remembers (parts of) her birth. 

It makes me wonder again, what it is like for Ananda Mae to be born and then continue living without her womb mate?! How might it feel for her to see her and Amya’s picture of two tiny babies on my chest? (more…)

I Remembered…

You Never Know When It Next Hits You – Grief…

I’m not shy to expose myself to the stories of families grieving for the loss of their children.

Some of you might think: ‘Why expose yourself to that?’  

The answer is simple: Grief, the emotion felt when remembering the loss of Amya is there whether I meet it or not. It does not just go away because I don’t feel it for a moment. One father in a support group of parents dealing with the loss of their babies pre or post birth once put it poignantly: ‘Why would I want the pain to end? The pain is the very connection to my daughter.’

Today I read the story of a family who lost their 4 year-old son. Today I met my own grief. It doesn’t happen every time I read stories like theirs, but it happens when a memory gets triggered. Heather, the mother of the boy, described the last bath they gave to their son and suddenly I remembered.

~ precious memories ~

~ precious memories ~

I remembered her last and only bath.
I remembered my first time giving a bath to my baby.
I remembered her tiny body in my hands.
I remembered her head covered in dark hair.
I remembered her tiny hands and fingers.
I remembered the soft pink color of her face.
I remembered her tiny red lips.
I remembered the gentleness with which we stroke her skin.
I remembered the sorrow of knowing that this will be the only time.

I Need Your Help!

~~~ honoring ~~~

~~~ honoring ~~~

In honor of ❤ Amya Mirica Hope ❤ Please read on…
Remember Return To Zero – the film I’m passionate about because it is addressing the taboo of stillbirth, child loss, miscarriage… This film is a touching contribution to help lift this taboo. Please, do this worthwhile cause a favor and MAKE A PLEDGE to go and see the film on an opening weekend in a city near you.
It’s easy to do, simply by filling out this form:
No sign up or cost!
As your local leader, please do me a favor to add my name – my aim is to collect at least 100 local pledges, not because I get anything for it, but because, as you know, the topic of neonatal death is very close to my ❤

If you like more information on Return to Zero click here to watch the video in regards to their aim or view their website here.

Rainbow Baby and Sternenkind


A “Rainbow Baby” is a baby that follows a miscarriage or still birth. “Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Once you are part of the circle of people who have lost a child you will become familiar with that term. I have.

I also have a become familiar with the term “Sternenkind”, German for “star child” which is a term used for a child which has returned to the stars soon after birth or who have received their angel wings even before they saw the light of day in this world.

Therefore, I now am a mother of a “Sternenkind” and a mother of two “Rainbow Babies”.

Recently, when participating on a family constellation workshop I was touched to hear that every child is counted from the moment of conception. I now understand my situation much better – click here to read more.

Still, the topic is such a taboo that I’m glad to know that RETURN TO ZERO, a recently made film, is helping to life this taboo. The film hasn’t yet been released for the cinemas but they are doing their best to get it out into the open.

Have a look here: (a copy of their most recent Facebook status – click here to follow their page on FB)
Here’s your first glimpse at RETURN TO ZERO! (click to view their latest YouTube video)

Become a Local Leader in your community to ensure that RETURN TO ZERO makes it into theaters!

Today 15 Months Ago

I held you in my arms

~ Close to my heart ~

~ Close to my heart ~

The one and only time

I held you close to my heart

For you to hear your mother’s heartbeat one more time

Knowing that it was our time to say good-bye

I carried you back to heaven’s door

For you to become what you were destined to always be

Our Angel, our Miracle

The shepherd that accompanied her twin sister to her destiny

to live a life here on earth

Always in communication with you

Yet not for us to see

And still…

I hold you close to my heart

Whenever I hold you sister

I hold you close to my heart too

As from one became two

And from two became one again

So I hold you close to my heart