That Question

~ xxx ~

‘How many children do you have?’

When is what the right answer?

I’ve been asked again today by a woman I just met. I said ‘one’ which is not the full truth. Sometimes the full truth requires to much of the story, which I might not be willing to share at this  moment and this was one of the moments.

It is however that I get myself into knots. Today, as I said ‘one’, her daughter-in-law was standing next to her who knew that I had twins and one died. This in itself wasn’t the knot, I was fine to have told one but not the other until the conversation went further. One question lead to another and suddenly again I was confronted with a question that would have led to digging my hole even deeper. So then I had to retrace my steps: ‘Actually I had twins and one died…’ Not always a great way to start a new acquaintance.

Nowadays I don’t have the need to share the full truth with everyone at all times. After Amya passed away, I needed to tell people. I wanted her to be affirmed. I wanted to talk about her and not just about the obvious little cute baby in my arms.

I do not consider myself lying when I speak the ‘half-truth’ and still I feel uncomfortable. On the other hand I feel strange letting people in on what was the toughest situation of my life, if I don’t even know them that well.

Often I come away from a conversation thinking to myself ‘why did I tell this person?’ I’m often surprised at where the conversations lead and what’s revealed as a consequence of my sharing. No coincidences…

Contrary to what you might think as you read this blog, I’m a rather private person and not very keen to share my private life. The situation of our twin story however revealed a totally different experience of myself where I had no choice but to share. I didn’t and still do not fully understand how this happened but it did and I trust that it’s come that way for some good reason.

So for today I have two children. One sleeping in her bed and one watching over her from heaven.



  1. I lost my 5-year-old son twenty years ago. He is always in my heart and I’ve written many songs because of him. My favorite one is called “Beside Me Always.” Your words are so beautiful. Yes, your child is watching you from heaven and is close to you always. I treasure the gift that my son was. Keep writing.

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