This Is Just Mine

Little bits of me...

Little bits of me…

Today, while folding laundry, I was thinking of the things I think and feel, that rarely get mentioned, even with those closest in my life. Some of those things are ‘just mine’ and I am ok with not sharing them with the world. Some of those ‘just mine’ things might be due to the pain they cause, others might be embarrassing and others are just my personal ‘whatever’.
I have however also been reminded that there are those ‘just mine’ things that any other person keeps to themselves. We really don’t even know our closest person ever that well to know it all.

It reminded me to be compassionate with the ‘oh-so-stressed’ people running through the streets of Zurich, I really don’t know the reason, they are or seemed stressed.
It reminded me to be forgiving with the people in our little village who do not say ‘Thank you’ when I let them pass in the narrow section between parked cars and the post office.
It reminded me to be accepting of not understanding people’s unusual reactions and words.

It ALSO reminded me to feel really glad when the workmen on the street in front of our house while making incredible noise since 2 months also move out of the way and smile at me when I pass by with Ananda Mae.
It ALSO reminded me to be happy that when walking with Ananda Mae people start to smile and talk, at least to her and sometimes to me.
It ALSO reminded me to feel grateful and appreciative for those day-to-day things like the warm autumn sunlight shining through the beautiful coloured autumn leaves.

So what is it, that you carry around that is just yours? 

Here are some of mine:

  • The subtle pain I feel when seeing identical twins running and playing with each other. (We seem to have a lot of these in our neighbourhood…)
  • The sadness when hearing pregnant women say ‘oh I didn’t even want to get pregnant so fast after my first one’ remembering that, if not for this 2nd miscarriage, I would be delivering a baby soon
  • The disappointment of not having Ananda Mae grow up with a sibling

Just 3 for today. Giving those 3 ‘just mine’ the freedom of disclosure. Feeling vulnerable. Being more real. Part of the ‘new normal’ me.

At Least You Have Got ONE

amnamRecently again I’ve been hearing the statements about ‘at least having one child’ and ‘you should be happy’… I have just read another bereaved mother’s words who has put it so eloquently, talking about her rainbow baby: ‘They soothe your pain and fill your aching arms.  But they cannot heal your heart.  They cannot fill the space that belongs to their sibling.’ 

That’s exactly right. Ananda Mae does not fill the space that is left empty as her twin sister has passed away. Of course I had and always have to deal with a different story to mothers who experience stillbirth, yet one child does not ‘make up’ for another. Even though I brought home ‘a’ baby, my body carried twins, my hopes were for sisters to grow up together, my dreams included them playing together…

Yes, I’m grateful to have Ananda Mae, of course, how could I not. That’s not to be questioned. I love her to bits. And I also do know that I am meant to mother 2 children. The wish for a child does not have a logical timeline and does not work on rationally making sense of percentage of chances.