Who’s Counting?

~ This is my Hope ~

~ This is my Hope ~

I have experienced my child passing away in my arms… 21 months and 6 days ago.

I have experienced my mother’s dispair and her finally leaving life… 17 months ago minus 10 days.

I have experienced 2 miscarriages… the last one just 7 weeks ago.

(And I still notice some challenge in writing words like dying, committed suicide… even though I have become friendly with death.)

Recently I’ve been reading about ‘ranking grief’ and been thinking about what happens for me. Each of those death bear significant grief for very different reasons. The common theme is MEANING, different meaning for the different stories.

So who is counting? Who is counted?

According to family constellation, every being counts fro the moment of conception. So when I recently took part in a family constellation workshop and was asked: ‘How many children do you have?’ the answer was 4.

When I’m asked by a parent of my toddler’s group, my answer is 2, which then draws forth an explanation or a subsequent question like ‘And how old is your other one?’

When asked by someone I barely know I might say 1, to avoid further explanation. Then I feel guilty of neglecting the memory of Amya Mirica Hope.

Do you count your miscarriages?

My most recent miscarriage I have kept mostly to myself. If you’re read between the lines, you will have noticed what happened. I have come to understand that grief also brings isolation, both the one I chose and the one I’m met by my surroundings.

We are told not to share the news of our pregnancy until we are passed the 12 weeks mark as miscarriage is so frequent until then. What’s the point of that? So that when the sadness hits and everyone around is wondering what’s happening to you, it’s a simple matter of ‘I’m just feeling a bit down’?!?

Just last week I got a reminder of my pregnancy app ‘You are now 13 weeks pregnant’ – apparently it wasn’t enough to delete the due date so I deleted the whole app.



  1. I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with so many deaths, so much loss, in such a short time. You are bearing a heavy load right now. Do reach out to others and let them know how you are feeling and that you need their support – whatever kind of support they can give you.

    1. Yes, dealing with grief is something unimaginable for the person who is not experiencing it and even if they do, it’s still a very personal experience. I’m very aware of the importance of support and have actively gone to see psychologists and attend groups – it is in my view absolutely necessary, especially due to the taboo it still represents in society.
      Thank you for your comment.

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