Below 0

~ sleep please ~

~ sleep please ~

How is your energy today? I’ve heard my osteopath ask me on a recent visit.

It’s hard to explain how the feeling of one’s own energy is below 0 or at least does not go over the reserve (imagine a petrol fuel gauge). Every little thing cost so much energy: responding to an sms, going outside the house to take the mail out of the letter box, thinking about what to cook or eat, looking after a child.

Last night I had a friend over for dinner and she described being tired. I can relate. Every moment. I sleep a lot, when I can, and rest when my toddler has a midday rest, if I can. Then there are these things to get done like reading emails or simply washing clothes. Even thinking about them tires me.

Today I fed my daughter and the day’s serve of patience was nearing 0. Suddenly it was below zero and I had no tolerance for mess… then I explode and at the same time feel bad because I know that she’s just doing what a normal toddler is doing. Learning to feed herself and making mess. My serve of daily patience often runs out before the day’s end.

Recently I woke up from a short anaesthesia and realised how much effort it is to even breath. Every breath becomes highly accentuated and the muscles seem to work extra hard. I remember the osteopath’s words: ‘Your breathing has become so shallow that the heart is doing just what is necessary to keep you alive.’ I also noticed how I love drifting off to sleep, everything gets heavy and ‘lights out’ in my brain and body seem like the only real relieve.

I still have the grandios thoughts of going for extended walks up the hill, getting things sorted and cleaned… plans that sound and seem great but when it comes to starting them, it’s like a balloon shrivelled up, lacking not just the air but also color.

My husband often says: You look like you need a sleep. I always do. Even after a long sleep, I look like I need a sleep.
My husband says: Just do something that makes you feel better. I don’t even know what would do that.

That’s why home is quite enough to deal with at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I do go out, take my girl to a playgroup, meet women with children, and then I quickly feel overwhelmed by scheduled time of ‘being there’, as quickly as I also feel bored, when it’s quiet. I know, it doesn’t even make sense to me. Somehow.

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One comment

  1. I think that being a parent is tiring. However, being a bereaved parent is beyond exhausting. Grief takes so much energy. I often wonder if I could peek into an alternate universe where Jake and Sawyer were alive would I be so tired? Sending you hugs and hope. xo

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