Recently I listened to Bruce Springsteen’s song ‘Streets of Philadelphia’ and the lyrics were all to familiar to me:
I was bruised and battered and
I couldn’t tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
I saw my reflection in a window
I didn’t know my own face
This is how I sometimes meet the person I didn’t know before: Me. The other Me. The part of Me that must have been there all along but maybe dormant.
Yes, I have been angry in my life. Yes, I have been unsocial, tired, quiet… at times but more often I’ve experienced myself as a friendly person that enjoyed social interactions, had friends to meet up with and laughed and enjoyed life. Now I find myself alone in a cafe, having lived in my home country again after 15 years abroad and really haven’t had all that much social contact with my friends that I still have (or maybe no longer have) from when I still lived here.
At times I scare myself. Yes, I know that the anger is part of the grieving and that I ‘should’ embrace it. But really, who can embrace that much anger??? I think Anger deserved a category in my blog because it seems to be so prevalent.
Honestly I probably prefer to be alone rather than being obnoxious to more people than my husband and I’m really grateful that he’s such a strong person to deal with me when I’m lost in it… Thank you ❤ Sometimes I wonder how you can stand me when I can’t anymore…
I’ve been reading Stephanie’s blog and it makes me feel ‘better’ to know that I’m not alone. Also, I had previously thought that my anger is because my mother has committed suicide and that OBVIOUSLY would leave me pissed off, more so than the death of my child. I see that grief has it’s own way… and leaves each and everyone on their own journey.