Unrecognizable to Myself

The Essential Bruce Springsteen

The Essential Bruce Springsteen (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Recently I listened to Bruce Springsteen’s song ‘Streets of Philadelphia’ and the lyrics were all to familiar to me:

I was bruised and battered and
I couldn’t tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself 

I saw my reflection in a window
I didn’t know my own face

This is how I sometimes meet the person I didn’t know before: Me. The other Me. The part of Me that must have been there all along but maybe dormant.

Yes, I have been angry in my life. Yes, I have been unsocial, tired, quiet… at times but more often I’ve experienced myself as a friendly person that enjoyed social interactions, had friends to meet up with and laughed and enjoyed life. Now I find myself alone in a cafe, having lived in my home country again after 15 years abroad and really haven’t had all that much social contact with my friends that I still have (or maybe no longer have) from when I still lived here.

At times I scare myself. Yes, I know that the anger is part of the grieving and that I ‘should’ embrace it. But really, who can embrace that much anger??? I think Anger deserved a category in my blog because it seems to be so prevalent.

Honestly I probably prefer to be alone rather than being obnoxious to more people than my husband and I’m really grateful that he’s such a strong person to deal with me when I’m lost in it… Thank you ❤ Sometimes I wonder how you can stand me when I can’t anymore…

I’ve been reading Stephanie’s blog and it makes me feel ‘better’ to know that I’m not alone. Also, I had previously thought that my anger is because my mother has committed suicide and that OBVIOUSLY would leave me pissed off, more so than the death of my child. I see that grief has it’s own way… and leaves each and everyone on their own journey.

My journey is mingled between my mum’s suicide aftermath (13 months today) and Amya’s death (17,5 months now)

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8 comments

      1. I don’t mind you asking, though I’m not ready to talk about it yet. My blog is my journey with opening up about it, and it’s one little piece at a time. I have opened up to a few things that have happened, but not any of the major things. I’m just not ready quite yet.

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