How Are You? Part 2

celebration

There is always more than what meets the eye

I must have been asked many many times but this time I’m ready to truly answer.

“How are you?”

“Thanks for asking.”  I guess people are sort of afraid to ask…

I’m still in a kind of mess. In some way. Physically I’m showing signs of inflammation (especially in my elbows, hands, wrists and achilles), pain in my back, headaches… This does not help me to stay physically active, which I know would be good and is what I would recommend to my clients.

Emotionally I’m still experiencing bouts of anger, which also uses up a lot of my physical energy, so I’m tired a lot. Mentally, I’m regularly experiencing overwhelm with the most basic things.
I also haven’t been social for what seems like 18 months now.

That’s all ok so far but I cannot deny that I wish it would became easier. I wonder ‘Where is Nathalie?’
That’s what the baby loss community calls ‘the New Normal’ and I guess it’s not yet normal for me. ‘Normal’ can’t be that hard, me thinks. Then again, if we would compare it to other people’s challenges, then maybe I should be happy but I know that comparison does not serve anyone’s condition as you can always find ‘people worse off’ or ‘people better off’, depending on what you sort for.

I do have ‘normal days’, ‘normal moments’ and a ‘normal life’. I do all the things that, judging from looking at me, people think ‘she’s fine’. And I am. In some way. But not all the way. Who is? (If you said ‘me’, then you’re either in denial, lying or just don’t want to go into it 🙂

My friends keep telling me “But you have been going through a lot these past 18 months!”

Ok that’s true, but what is ‘a lot’? When is it ‘a lot’? ‘Your dead girl and your dead mother’ I hear. It doesn’t sound good, even when I just hear it inside of me. I also don’t know whether the death of my child or the suicide of my mother has created more havoc in my system. This will probably never be clear as they happened with only 4 months between them.

So this is my ‘New Normal’?

Maybe the New Normal has been misnamed. Or it’s not what I would call ‘normal’. Who would want this to be ‘normal’ anyway?
Or I might have to wait some more years…

“So again, thanks for asking.” If next time you ask, and I might not give you an elaborate answer like this, just know that I am ok with all the little bits I’ve mentioned above which need attention but I might not be in the mood/space to go into it.

I do however truly appreciate you asking. It shows me you care, you care more than relying on what you see. It shows me you dare to ask the question, no matter what the answer is.

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3 comments

  1. Darling Heart Nathalie,
    Thank you for sharing how you are! I have been wondering and I appreciate being able to connect with you in this way! I pray that your being gets stronger and supports you the best way it knows how to with each new Sunrise and Sunset.
    Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you and wonder how you, Chris and your darling Ananda Mae Passion are doing. I wish i was closer to you to be able to physically support you in some way .. with a gentle hug if appropriate … a silent open hearted look into your eyes and a reassurance that you are so loved and cared about …. more than you probably realise.
    I would also love to physically support you with day to day tasks and yet from afar, that is not possible. So glad you have your sister and other family and friends with you and I pray that you do receive love and support and understanding from a deep compassionate level!
    And I also acknowledge that on top of everything else you have had to leave so many of your friends in Australia and your beautiful home and local environment here too. More loss on some levels despite the joys of relocating closer to your family in Switzerland. Then there is also the shock and devastation of the loss of Yantra’s darling boy Cohen and seriously Nathalie .. all of these events are huge in themselves! Adding these to the personal devastation of the loss of your darling Angel Hope and your precious Mum and I just have no idea how you have been able to function at all!
    If I can support you over Skype in any way please message me so we can exchange our Skype details again. Also I am on Viber now so we can talk anytime you like that way as well.
    Sending you my love and prayers that you continue to heal and that you know you are thought about and that I will continue to ask you how you are and if and when you may choose to share, I will be there for you on all levels.
    Love, hugs and prayers for you, Chris, your Darling little Ananda Mae Passion, your little Darling Spirit Angel .. Amya Mirica Hope and your precious Mum too!
    With you in spirit,
    Kerry xxxxx

    1. Dear Kerry,
      Know that I do feel your support through all your heartfelt comments that you sprinkle through my written world…
      Yes, it’s good to be asked and sometimes I might be able to answer, sometimes I might just be tired of hearing it myself again and again. I take everything one breath at the time and some times I’m just out of taking a breath at all. It is often in unexpected moments that I totally loose my ‘umpf’ and just collapse on my bed with my friend the iPad.
      I recently said to Chris: You need a lot of patience with me! He said: Yes and I haven’t been known to have been gifted with lots of it. So he’s doing an ever better job than someone who might be patient in the first place.
      Sometimes I’m sad for Ananda Mae growing up with a Mum that has been dealing with grief since finding out that Amya might not survive, which was around the same time as my mother’s first suicide attempt: 19 weeks pregnant. I can only hope that it bestows her with a resilience beyond any imagination, having been surrounded with so much grief, first inside me and then as a baby and now toddler.
      In any case, I believe she’s part of ‘our karma’, ‘our story’, ‘our lives’ – name is as you (the reader) like.
      All Love, Nathalie xxx

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