I must have been asked many many times but this time I’m ready to truly answer.
“How are you?”
“Thanks for asking.” I guess people are sort of afraid to ask…
I’m still in a kind of mess. In some way. Physically I’m showing signs of inflammation (especially in my elbows, hands, wrists and achilles), pain in my back, headaches… This does not help me to stay physically active, which I know would be good and is what I would recommend to my clients.
Emotionally I’m still experiencing bouts of anger, which also uses up a lot of my physical energy, so I’m tired a lot. Mentally, I’m regularly experiencing overwhelm with the most basic things.
I also haven’t been social for what seems like 18 months now.
That’s all ok so far but I cannot deny that I wish it would became easier. I wonder ‘Where is Nathalie?’
That’s what the baby loss community calls ‘the New Normal’ and I guess it’s not yet normal for me. ‘Normal’ can’t be that hard, me thinks. Then again, if we would compare it to other people’s challenges, then maybe I should be happy but I know that comparison does not serve anyone’s condition as you can always find ‘people worse off’ or ‘people better off’, depending on what you sort for.
I do have ‘normal days’, ‘normal moments’ and a ‘normal life’. I do all the things that, judging from looking at me, people think ‘she’s fine’. And I am. In some way. But not all the way. Who is? (If you said ‘me’, then you’re either in denial, lying or just don’t want to go into it 🙂
My friends keep telling me “But you have been going through a lot these past 18 months!”
Ok that’s true, but what is ‘a lot’? When is it ‘a lot’? ‘Your dead girl and your dead mother’ I hear. It doesn’t sound good, even when I just hear it inside of me. I also don’t know whether the death of my child or the suicide of my mother has created more havoc in my system. This will probably never be clear as they happened with only 4 months between them.
So this is my ‘New Normal’?
Maybe the New Normal has been misnamed. Or it’s not what I would call ‘normal’. Who would want this to be ‘normal’ anyway?
Or I might have to wait some more years…
“So again, thanks for asking.” If next time you ask, and I might not give you an elaborate answer like this, just know that I am ok with all the little bits I’ve mentioned above which need attention but I might not be in the mood/space to go into it.
I do however truly appreciate you asking. It shows me you care, you care more than relying on what you see. It shows me you dare to ask the question, no matter what the answer is.