As we’re saying good-bye to 2012 I remember saying good-bye to my parents a year ago, as they were leaving Australia to come back home. It was the last time I saw her.
For some years now I practiced saying good-bye to them with the knowing that it might be the last time, given their age. This last time I practiced the same, being especially grateful for having spent more than 3 weeks with them since my Mum’s suicide attempt earlier in the year. I knew that this time was a gift and I cherished it.
With the state she was in, I did however not expect her to be dead within less than 3 weeks after this moment. A death on her own terms. She said good-bye in her own way. I assume her last visit and first meeting with her latest grand-daughter was unconsciously her good-bye to me, to us.
She was part of the reason for us to move back to Switzerland to allow Ananda Mae to grow up near her grand-parents. My Mum decided not to be part of my plan, she had her own.
I’m thinking about the statement ‘she is better where she is now’ which is often used in the case of someone dying when they have been ill or not able to survive, as in the case of Amya. The fact is that we really don’t know, it’s just a sentence that helps us feel better, those that are ‘left behind’.
‘Left behind’ would indicate that those who passed away are ‘in front’ or ‘ahead’. I definitely feel ‘left behind’ and sometime would love to know how it is to be in front. I’m wondering if my Mum and my Child are in some form together as some stage. Maybe that would make me feel better? But really, nothing can make the fact of them, my Mum and my Child, not being here ‘better’…
Still, I’m left behind.