Since 3 months we are now living in what was my parents’ place. Today, while clearing some stuff (we are still in the process of organizing my mother’s things as she passed away in January) I found a folder with emails and photos that my Mum must have collected of the time of the pregnancy and birth. As my parents are not Facebook or blog users, I had emailed them what I wrote just after Amya’s passing. This is what I found, written on 4 September 2011:
3 days ago I had the most amazing experience as I gave birth to my two beautiful angels Hope&Passion and they became my precious little daughters Amya Mirica Hope and Ananda Mae Passion. They were so small and needed to go on life support as soon as they came out of the womb to see the light.
Yesterday I held them both together on my naked skin for the first time – what a blissful feeling. We were faced with the most difficult decision in our lives ever: we had to let Amya go as she wasn’t able to live on her own outside the protective surroundings of my womb. How can one ever let go of their child that they’ve just birthed into this world?
I held her in my arms as she gently slipped back into her angel form and back into the spirit world. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life and yet it was so beautiful and honoring. She took her last breath and moved her little body gently as she slipped away with the sound of Deva and Miten’s voice singing the Gayatri Mantra.
I’m learning to deal with this pain with every warm tear running down my cheek and the echo of every cry that escapes my aching heart. I will take my time and I have Ananda Mae Passion here with me helping me / us through this.
Today it’s Fathers Day and we celebrate Chris who is such a beautiful caring and nurturing dad. It is also so sad and painful to see him grieve the loss of his daughter for which we had so many dreams and ‘hopes’. Amya and Ananda can feel his love and his heartbreak and there is an angel smiling at us.
I also feel so sad for all our family who never ever get to meet the physical presence of Amya and who are grieving with us. I’m also deeply aware of the impact Hope had on so many of you my friends who have been looking forward to meeting her. We feel your prayers, blessings, tears and singing…
I’m so grateful for my sister’s (Michele) serendipitous arrival on Wednesday – not a day to late as the emergency birth was on Thursday morning. She’s an angel in physical form looking after us all, including the little newborn babies as I lay in recovery.
I’m amazed by the supportive stuff here at the hospital we are – so many angels in the form of midwives, nurses, doctors etc. Too many to name…
Thank you Hope for all the gifts that come through you. Thank you for accompanying your sister to her earthly life. We are so sad and sorry that you were not meant to visit us for longer. We will miss you always.