Twins Again…

No, not pregnant with twins…

Sisters growing up together for 35 weeks

Oh well, I saw what looked like identical twin boys today. I had a half smile on my face noticing the same twin pram we had with the two capsules facing each other. They must have been just about plus/minus 12 weeks old. Their father was getting something for himself to eat at the Ikea restaurant, while the mother probably did the shopping.

I smiled a half-smile. Half happy, half sad. I didn’t say anything but I thought: ‘I had twins myself!’

When we found that out that I was in fact not just pregnant but that there were two embryo growing I felt I won the lottery. A gift that even IVF couldn’t make happen. People would say: ‘So who in your family had twins?’ but identical twins are just a fluke of nature and not in the genes. Some said: ‘Ah well, it’s because you conceived via IVF.’ but according the the IVF specialist even though it’s more common the have twins later in life, the rate of monozygotic twins remains at about 1 in 333 across the globe, no matter what way of conception.

Anyway – twins are everywhere and it’s true that fraternal twins are more common since the use of fertility drugs causing hyperovulation. So I will get to see them regularly, specifically as my lens seems to be filtering for multiples. Sometimes it’s hard. Most times actually. At least at the moment.

I felt really special to be given that gift. I was over the moon. I remember I couldn’t stop laughing as the doctor explained that what I saw where actually two embryos and not a stick figure and a placenta. At that time I had no clue of what I saw on the ultra sound picture. I had a thing with twins and just the week prior to the scan while on holiday with my family I said that if the baby is actually twins, we call them BON BON, after we were calling our baby BON (baby of Nathalie, as the hospital label already said). My sister still says that I ALWAYS spoke about twins. I’m not sure about ALWAYS… I asked Chris on the plane home from the holidays: ‘What do people do with twin? Here is only one bassinet.’ When we drove to the scan the next morning and I saw twin girls on the way to school I exclaimed: ‘Look, twins!’ Chris said: ‘One is enough.’ He didn’t mean it literally…

I think back and sometimes I wonder to myself whether this is all just a story and whether I will forget Amya Mirica more and more with time passing by. I call her Amya Mirica when I want to relieve her physical human presence. Will I forget how she felt when I held her in my arms this one and only time? I already wonder how it felt.

Last night I was thinking about the meaning of her name: Amya = people of god or nightrain in Japanese, Mirica = latin for miracle. People of god, hm. I’m not religious but for those who are, the would probably say ‘yes, she’s back with god, she’s among the people of god, like her name’. Well I was pretty annoyed with her for not carrying her name as I felt to honored to choose a name for her and really like it. It’s special, isn’t it?

Please won’t you forget her? Please help me remember her. Please mention her name. Please ask about her story.

Maybe by retelling her story I will remember.

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19 comments

  1. It is so hard when you lose one or both your twins, one day you are pregnant and it is so special because it is twins then the next that is taken from you. Amya sounds so very special and wishing she was with you and her sister. I lost both my boys to twin-to-twin transfusion and I miss being the mother of twins

  2. Amya Mirica what a treasure it is to know your name. You are loved and cherished.
    You will never forget her Nathalie. Those we love and lose are always where we are.
    Love to you all.

  3. It’s amazing how something so little can take up so much room in your heart. X
    Thank goodness we have memories to keep forever xx

  4. Thank you for sharing Amya with me today. I was rushing upstairs to do something trivial & saw this post come up on facebook via the Heartfelt page. I am so glad I stopped and sat and read about your girl.
    With love,
    Lea x
    (Heartfelt Photographer)

  5. Thankyou for sharing your loss of your beautiful daughter, I am so sorry to hear of you having to go through such a painful thing, it is something no mother should have to go through,ever, the love you have for your children completely fills your heart, it does not matter no matter how many you have each one has the same affect.
    Amaya Mirica will always fill your heart. Xxx

  6. Hi Nathalie, so sorry to hear about the loss of your little Amaya Mirica (such a beautiful name). Your story has touched me on a personal level, as i too lost a twin daughter. My promise to Pippin-Lily is that i will say her name every day for the rest of my life and now 14 months later i smile as i remember her clearly and hold dear the short time we had with her. It is a journey no mother should endure, however, i am thankful times have changed and we are encouraged to make and keep memories of our dear little ones that were taken all too soon. Thinking of you xxoo

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