Meeting Every Memory, Hope and Dream

~ always singing with one voice ~

The last few days I was visited by a dear friend with her baby. I remember that while I was pregnant with my twin girls she must have been pregnant but she didn’t tell me until much later. I asked her why she didn’t tell me then. She said she didn’t want to upset me while there was so much going on for me. I remember I was upset then as I would have still wanted to know that my dear friend was experiencing being pregnant…

These past few days I spoke to her about Jealousy and Envy. Two of those emotions that we as a society do not appreciate or accept, whether it is in ourselves or others. It’s usually felt silently or hidden as it’s ‘not good’, ‘not nice’, ‘not something you should feel’. Nevertheless many (or dare I say EVERYONE?) has experienced it some time. I told my friend that I feel jealous when I see parents with twins. I know in myself that it’s me meeting every memory, every dream and hope I had for my twins: the twin pram, the similar look, the conversation between the two, people not being able to tell who is who… I did want that. I had been given this huge gift of caring identical twins, a gift that cannot be artificially made, something that ‘just’ happens, not even having anything to do with twins running in the family or not.

I do feel jealous. I feel a sting in my heart for what I cannot experience, for what I am left to imagine.

I hear: ‘At least you’ve got one’ in my own head. I’m thinking of those who had miscarriages, stillbirth or lost both twins. What do I have to complain about!? Sadly, this sentence in my head does not mend the pain of having held my daughter in my arms when she took her last breath. Nothing does.

I have heard other grieving mothers say: I do not feel jealous. Can I really be true? I can’t answer this question but due to my experience I find it hard to imagine.

My friend said: Every time I see twins I think of you.

I know other of my friends do too. I’m the mother with one twin alive.

We sold our twin pram after months of having it standing in our storage space. I used it only a few times and then my dad bought me a single pram as he felt pity with me having to lift the heavy pram in and out of the car all the time being reminded of never being used by the two girls. We sold our second capsule…

I’m left with double stuffed toys, double clothes, double this, double that… meeting every memory, hope and dream.

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7 comments

  1. Hi. I lost my twins Max and Holly in April. I read your post because you were a twin mom and as there was three days between each birth of my kids, I played with scenarios of what I would do if one survived. I know that even if I had managed to keep one of them I would have always grieved and missed the other twin. I can’t say that I quite believe the grieving moms who say they don’t feel jealous. A friend came round the other day who is expecting her first child any day now and I can say hand on heart that I was very happy for her and hope everything goes well, but the other part of me wished that we could swop tips and I could have been swopping stories about my two and not have awkward silence and watching what I said in case it was taken the wrong way by her partner. I never want her to join this club that I have been thrust on me and my husband. I also work with a lady who was a surviving twin, (her brother died a few days after being born) and I got really upset when she told me that her mom still grieves her brother and he has been gone for over 50 years.

    I am sorry for your loss, sending hugs xx

    1. Hi Anita,
      Thanks for your comment. I’m so sorry you lost Max and Holly. What happened to them, if you don’t mind me asking? Feel free to share here or not. I just wanted to ask because I get that many people don’t ask me anymore because they fear not being able to handle what might come up for me, or them…
      Today I saw 3 pair of twins and it’s challenging every time. Yes, I still have this awe of twins but I’m always reminded ‘I was given that gift but wasn’t allowed to keep it’. I am with you.
      All love, Nathalie

      1. Thanks. I went into pre term labour with an under lying infection and possible weak cervix issue. They were born three days apart but at 24 wk they were too prem to make it. Both born alive but now together forever. Miss them. They were both little scamps. Last time I saw twins around the age they would be now I was on lunch at work and spent about an hour crying. I guess twins will always tweek my heart strings and make me think of mad max and holly hobbitt.

  2. I am very familiar with Jealousy and Envy – I wish I wasn’t. . .I too find it so difficult when good friends are scared to share their happy news with me. I understand why but I hate that it is this way. Sending you hope and hugs.

    1. Thank you for your honesty, Lanie
      I guess it’s just that we don’t like those feelings because we’ve learnt that they ‘shouldn’t be there’ and that they don’t feel nice to experience. Yet again, they are just part of the whole spectrum…
      all Love, Nathalie

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