Meeting What I do not See

Recently a friend asked me whether I feel challenged to be around her twin girls. I said: ‘no’ which was absolutely true in that very moment. Yet, there are other moments where it is challenging to meet what I do not get to experience.

Today I’ve got sent a picture of two beautiful small babies, probably identical twins. That’s when I had to stop for a moment and feel what happens inside of me:

I smile.
Then I think: That’s what Ananda Mae and Amya Mirica would have looked like.
A little sting in my heart.
A big sigh.
I wonder whether my friend thought about the effect a picture like that could have on me.
I wonder if I will have these reactions every time I see a picture of identical twins.

Truthfully I had all kinds of reactions over time, from anger at twin mum’s strolling around with their twin prams, to avoidance and frustration with my twin pram, then annoyance with the couple we saw traveling to Fiji with their twins and making – what I felt was – a big fuss. And of course  there were all the beautiful pictures we got sent from our twin antenatal class friends – they produced a mixture of longing, sadness, joy and happiness.

It’s now more than a year since my little girl Amya passed away and I trust that I will always miss the chance of raising identical twin girls. I was so looking forward to this gift that I had been given.

I won’t add the picture here, I’m sure you can imagine…


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