Remembering 1 September 2011

~ my girls ~

This document was written a week after giving birth – 8 September 2011.
May one day this be an inspiration to mothers.

Remembering 1 September 2011 – Hope&Passions coming into this world as Amya Mirica Hope & Ananda Mae Passion

A week ago…
4.30 am – I woke up and am called to paint the girls in my picture for Hope&Passion.

Now I cannot sleep and go down to Newborn Care (NICU) to care for my baby.

A week ago…
5.30 am – I am still pregnant and we are getting ready to drive to the hospital. I feel my two babies stirring inside of me.

Now I feel Ananda Mae wriggling in her cot as I visit her in the NICU.

A week ago…
6.15 am – We are driving to the hospital singing ‘Happy Birthday to you’ for Hope&Passion.

Now I’m lying in my hospital bed as the new day dawns. I’m preparing myself to go home without my babies…

A week ago…
6.30 – in the room next door on the antenatal floor someone is listening to their baby in uterus’ heartbeat.

A sting in my heart – a tear on my cheek.

A week ago…
6.45 am – We arrive at the hospital. I am so excited. ‘I’m here to deliver my twins.’

Now I’m no longer able to sleep. It has been a restless night with strange dreams. What will await me at home?

Now I just had my obstetrician visiting me – she’s another angel in human form – checking in on me. I feel touched yet again for she is driving across town in early morning rush hour traffic to a hospital where she does not usually work just to see me.

A week ago…
7 am – we are admitted. We are listening to the babies’ heartbeat. They are fine. No signs of distress. I have a shower.

Now I’m having my last shower at the hospital. I feel strangely attached to this place. I feel sad to leave my babies behind.

A week ago…
7.50 am – We are ready to go down to where the operation theatre is. I still walk with my ripe belly, proudly carrying twins. I’m looking forward to giving birth – I’m smiling, excited, and can’t wait – in bliss before an operation 🙂 I am hungry physically and to become a mother.

Now luckily I don’t have to fast and I’m having my last breakfast delivered to the bed. I’m thinking about my two babies – one here, one in the spirit world.

A week ago…
8 am – we are starting the process with epidural / spinal block. The anesthetist is great. I’m relaxed, breathing deeply supported by Chris all dressed in blue gowns.

Now I feel my aching belly as I walk without the support belt.

A week ago…
8.15 am – Sue, my obstetrician arrives. She sets up our music while we wait for the epi to kick in. Everything is ready.

Now I’m looking out the window and wonder where Hope is as I asked her to be close today.

A week ago…
8.30 am – My belly is getting rubbed down with orange antiseptic and I imagine an aboriginal ritual painting is done on my bulging babies’ belly. I’m smiling from behind the sterile curtain.

Now I’m walking down the corridor past the aboriginal painting. I’m smiling at Hope’s plan.

A week ago…
8.35am – ‘Nathalie we’re starting the op’, says Sue. Chris is right beside me whispering ‘I love you so much’ into my ear. I feel tugging and moving. I speak softly to my babies.

Now I’m visiting Ananda Mae…

A week ago…
8.41 and 8.42am – The beautiful girls are being lifted into the light. At the same time the sterile curtain is being lowered and I’m able to see them for the first time.

Now I’m holding Ananda Mae in my arms celebrating her one week birthday. Tears of joy and sadness as I’m holding just one of them. I miss Amya Mirica’s little body.

A week ago…
8.50 am – The girls are rushed to the NICU after a brief cuddle and kiss with me. Chris is with them, followed by Aunty Michele.

Now I’m just breathing through the pain. Still holding Ananda Mae.

A week ago…
9.30 am – I’m in recovery wondering what’s happening in NICU. I’m still in so much bliss from the whole birth. I’m smiling.

Now my dear friend Tanya just arrived and I’m not alone.

A week ago…
10.15 am – Unfortunately they cannot take me to the NICU on the bed as renovations are in progress so I’m being brought straight to the ward.

Now I’m so lucky as I’m not being rushed out of this room here. The hospital ward is so supportive and they let me stay today as long as I want.

A week ago…
10.45 am – Chris comes up to the ward surprised why I didn’t come to the NICU. He’s updating me: Hope&Passion both on high level life support. I’m worried and can’t wait to be able to go down to see them. I need to wait until the epi wears off. I’m moving my toes inside but nothing can be seen from outside

Now I’m breastfeeding my little girl. Bliss – pure bliss. I’m in love with her

A week ago…
11.30 am – I’m on strong drugs. I don’t remember much. Still blissfully remembering and talking about the birth experience.

Now I am holding Ananda Mae in my arms. I could remain like this forever.

A week ago…
12.45 pm – Lunch, I’m starving as I haven’t eaten since a long time, it seems. I’m extremely thirsty. Scavenging hospital food – my sister is in disbelief.

Now I’m eating beautiful lunch provided by Iku and organized by one of our beautifully supportive friends. I bow in gratitude.

A week ago…
1.30 pm – Chris and Michele are hungry and get some lunch. NICU has rest time and no visitors allowed. I’m resting my body

Now I’m learning more about fully mothering my child and the art of breastfeeding a premature baby.

A week ago…
2.30 pm – I’m resting and waiting for my legs to get some sensation back so I can go down and see the girls. Still no outside sign of me moving my toes.

Now I’m able to walk around pretty well given the operation just happened a week ago and they cut my tummy open. I’m packing up my belongings. I’m readying myself to go home.

A week ago…
4 pm – Suddenly I can move my legs from side to side. My legs have enough control to get into a wheelchair to go down and visit my girls. First time touching them with my hands. Both in humidy cribs on breathing support.

Now we are preparing to part from Amya Mirica’s little body in a beautiful ceremony just us and Mel the social worker. Tears… And joy for the little time we spent and the gifts and precious tenderness of heart Amya Mirica has given us.

A week ago…
4.15 pm – I’m in awe of the miracle of those two tinny little bodies that I’ve given birth to. Amya Mirica is all taped up to a high frequency breathing machine. I just lay my hands onto her body and sing to her. Ananda is also in a humidicrib.

Now we are wrapping Amya Mirica’s little earthly body in an angel’s dress, putting her on a bed of roses, wrapped in a pink beautiful cloth. We say our good-byes from her body. How ready can you ever be in letting a child go?

A week ago…
4.45pm – Tired easily I sit back down into the wheelchair, ready to go and lay down.

Now I’m standing next to Ananda Mae’s cot changing her nappy with my beautiful partner and father. Amazed at being parents.

A week ago…
5 pm – I’m resting, more pain medication, blood pressure cuffs, temperature measurements and crying babies next door. I’m dozing off.

Now I’m holding my girl skin to skin. I’m in mother’s trance.

A week ago…
5.30 pm – It’s all a blur and still bliss chemicals rushing through my blood stream. I’m processing the birth experience.

Now it’s Daddy’s skin to skin time. I’m smiling seeing him enjoy, sing and talk to our daughter. We have a child. We have two children – one in the spirit world.

A week ago…
6.30 pm – Dinner time – hungry and thirsty. During the end of pregnancy I was eating little as there wasn’t much space for a stomach. That has changed quickly.

Now we are going down to the seminar room in the hospital to talk to the teacher of the twin antenatal class we never got to finish. Some other parents come and are deeply touched by our story. Too much speaking still tires me. I want to tell them that whatever might come, they can handle it. I feel strongly that I will support parents going through the grief of losing a child one day.

A week ago…
7 pm – Chris is preparing to stay at the hospital the first night. I’m so grateful as I’m not able to move much let alone think much.

Now we are ready to go home and I walk out of the hospital the first time in the fresh air after a week. Gentle rain is touching my cheeks.

A week ago…
8 pm – Is it time to sleep yet? Chris is going to say good-night to our girls.

Now we arrive home. I kneel in front of the altar of gifts, cards, toys, shoes… that we have laid out for both girls and weep gently for one will never get to enjoy all those earthly pleasures.

A week ago…
8.30 pm – Chris is back reporting how they are going. They need a lot of attention from the staff, machines and they are hanging in there. Chris is exhausted from all the beeping noise in the NICU and the experience of the whole day.

Now I have a bath, relaxing my body at home, ready to start a new phase of taking care not only of this body but also my little girl’s body.

A week ago…
9 pm – Read to sleep we lay in the hospital bed together going through this most amazing experience of day.

Now I’m keen to send out the announcements for the birth of our girls and I forget that my body needs rest.

A week ago…
10 pm – I’m finally resting and trying to find a comfortable position in a strange new bed. My body is aching.

Now I’m expressing food for Ananda Mae’s feed tomorrow. A women’s body is amazing.

A week ago…
11 pm – Sleep

Now I’m finally ready to go to bed and sleep until sooner than later I will get up again for my girl. All mother’s love.

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